Tao of Lunacy

(Note: This really is true. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. The actual text chat wasn’t quite like this…but you’ll get the idea. )

Patndoris: Hello, and thank you for contacting tech support at patndoris is your buddy. How may I assist you today?

Buddy: I’m SO glad you’re finally on…I just got a new printer and it won’t print!

Patndoris: What do you mean it "won’t print"? Can you tell me what it’s doing - or not doing?

Buddy: Yes and yes. When I try to print a page with black ink nothing prints. I get a blank sheet.

Patndoris: Did you install the print cartridges in the right locations?

Buddy: Yes, I double checked.

Patndoris: Did you make sure you pulled the tape off the bottom of the cartridges?

Buddy: Yes - I checked that too.

Patndoris: Did the printer print a test page when you installed it?

Buddy: Yes

Patndoris: And was there black on it?

Buddy: Yes

Patndoris: Hmmm…let me think…we get black when we print a test page…but when it’s just a black and white text page it won’t print. OK, can you go to your printer setup and change it to print only in gray scale?

Buddy: What’s gray scale?

(Attempt to assist buddy in navigating the printer setup to force gray scale printing and alignment/cleaning of cartridges has been removed due to imaginary constraints on just how long a blog entry can really be)

Patndoris: Never mind - let’s take a step back here. Is the cartridge the right number?

Buddy: Yes, #20. I can use #20 or #22 they said.

Patndoris: Was that in the manufacturer instructions or did the store tell you that?

Buddy: Instructions.

Patndoris: OK. Could be a bad ink cartridge. It’s rare, but it does happen. And you’re sure they’re in the right places? Did you take them out and reinstall them?

Buddy: Several times.

Patndoris: OK here’s what I want you to do. Take the black cartridge out and look at the bottom of it. If it’s been trying to print there should be some trace of black on there. If not it could just be a bad cartridge.

Buddy: OK hang on. Let me check..

(pause…….)

Buddy: Um…..

Patndoris: Well?? Is there any ink on the bottom of the cartridge? Any at all??

(slight pause)

Buddy:  No.

Patndoris: You might want to take it back and exchange it for a new one then. Probably a bad one.

(another slight pause)

Buddy:  No….I don’t think I’m going to need to.

Patndoris: Why? Did you find something? Did you have them switched around color where black should be and black where color should be?

(another annoyingly long pause)

Buddy:  No. They were in the right places.

Patndoris: (slightly exasperated.) Well then what makes you think it’s not a bad cartridge since it won’t print??

(damnably long pause)

Buddy:  Um…..you’re not going to believe this….

Patndoris: (really exasperated now) Not going to believe WHAT?!!

(really really long pause)

Buddy:  I forgot to take the tape off.

Patndoris: (laughing hysterically) And HOW long have you been trying to fix this?

Buddy: (very quickly) Not long really - maybe 3 hours.

Patndoris: (tears rolling down cheeks)  I DID ask you straight away if you checked that and you told me YES!

Buddy: I THOUGHT I DID!

Patndoris: (hardly controlling sarcasm) OK OK. Try printing a page now and see what you get. You know the printer has a little trouble shooting the ink hard enough to get through the plastic coating of the tape.

Buddy: (injecting sarcasm of his/her own) Thanks ALOT - I KNOW that!…Prints fine now. Thank you. very much.

Patndoris: Well I’m glad we solved it. If only all the questions were this easy. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Buddy: No

Patndoris: Thank you for contacting tech support at patndoris is your buddy. If you have any further problems please feel free to contact us again. Goodbye.

(And now I must offer apologies to my buddy for the good laugh I had over this.  Recently, I did the very same thing (although I could still print just very slowly using my color cartridge).  It took me a day and a half to finally figure out I’d forgotten to pull the tape! )