Tao of Lunacy

On June 9, 2008 (yes, that’s quite awhile ago but the store is worth telling again just for the fun of it), after a rather long, though productive, day at work, I headed home - my mind ablaze with all the things I had to do when I got there. Not the least of which was beating a friend at a game or two of online cards. (I’d been on something of a miserable, horrible, downward spiraling, confidence shattering, demoralizing - well not that bad - losing streak at the time.) I had completely forgotten to stop at the store and get milk. And by the time I finally walked through the front door, I was forced to apologize to my then 13-year old male offspring - but Nooooo, not for forgetting the milk…

Imagine yourself driving down the road. You’re within two right turns of your driveway. As you approach your quiet little street, you notice a police car coming the other way. So you say to yourself, "Self - that’s interesting. Wonder what he was doing there?" You slow to the proper speed, apply right turn signal, and turn onto your street, curious to no end as to the reason said officer had been there. As you approach your house you see a police car. Yes - lights flashing - near your house. No…WAIT! It’s in front of your house. Um…even worse…it’s blocking your driveway!

A quick mental assessment followed. Door to house was shut. No paramedics were present. No signs of smoke or fire. No yellow police tape cordoning off the area. 13-year old male offspring was not sitting handcuffed in the back of police car. OK then. What had he done? Why was there an officer blocking the way into my home? I pulled around the court and parked my Kia Sportage (that wants to be an SUV when it grows up) in front of the neighbor’s house. There wasn’t quite enough space to park and not block his driveway but I was parking there (for that moment anyway).

I mean really, it’s quite obvious isn’t it? I needed to be close enough to jump back in my vehicle and flee if the officer was after me. (That was a joke….)  With trepidation (and a rather large knot in my stomach, but almost sorta fully prepared for whatever said male offspring had managed to do) I emerged from the vehicle. Notably, my somewhat vicious sounding dog was not barking loudly and clawing the front window at Officer Name-Unknown-But-Blocking-My-Driveway in an effort to scare him away. Hmmmm - not a good sign. I approached Officer Wow-He’s-Kinda-Cute’s car. He rolled down the window and the exchange went something like this:

” Do you live on this street?"

"…..Yes….."

"Which house?"

Silently, I pointed to the house, the driveway to which he was completely blocking.

"There’s nothing wrong at your house." (I think to myself…thanks for clearing that up. Now why the heck are you blocking my driveway?) "How do you spell the name of this street?"

I contemplated telling him T-H-I-S S-T-R-E-E-T but decided better of it. (Nah - I didn’t really - but it would have been awfully funny…) I tell him, but wonder why the happy GPS laptop thingy sitting next to him has not already done so. Or does he just not trust computers and wants a human verification?

"This car…", he gestures to an unfamiliar red vehicle parked at my curb, "…will be here for a couple of days. We have to give him time to come get it. It’s parked legally so it should be no problem correct?"

I stare at him in astonishment. For this he blocked my driveway and nearly gave me heart failure??  For a car parked in front of my house?

"I have one car and a two car driveway, I’m pretty sure it won’t be a problem. But you nearly gave me a heart attack as I’ve a teenage son home alone at the moment."

Officer I-Didn’t-Bother-To-Look-At-the-Name-On-His-Badge-but-He’s-Still-Kinda-Cute chuckled, and moved his vehicle - lights still blazing. I then proceeded to move my car into my newly unblocked driveway, grabbed the mail from the post box, and contemplated why the red vehicle had ended up in front of my house. Stolen? Abandoned? Just discovered? And I’m hoping the neighbor’s aren’t all watching thinking it’s something male offspring or I have done that has brought the long arm of the law to our quiet little cul-de-sac. Appearances are everything you know.

I unlocked the door and announced to male offspring - "My apologies - I saw the cops and wondered what you’d done."

Male offspring laughed, "At first when I saw them I thought maybe they were coming for me!" (Uhhh….wonder what he’s done that would make him think that? Probably better I don’t ask. I don’t think I wanna know….)

Male offspring, while playing on the internet (I wonder where he gets that from?) watched the scene unfold. It goes something like this. Dog barks like crazy and claws at window. Male offspring sees cops outside and forcibly relocates dog to bedroom and shuts door. (Good thinking! If it’s quiet they might not know you’re in there and maybe they’ll go away!) Then he pulls back the edge of the curtain and peeps outside. (Duh! #1 - Like they can’t see you through the sheer curtains and #2 - Do you think they don’t know you’re watching? The neighbors always watch! Don’t act suspicious, just open the curtains and be bold!)

Apparently the boyfriend of the teenage girl across the street was removed from his vehicle (whilst sitting in front of my house), searched, cuffed, arrested, read his Miranda rights, had his car searched and was hauled off in first police car that was leaving as I pulled in. From what male offspring observed, I would surmise he faced charges not only for possession of an illegal substance and drug paraphernalia, but an array of additional charges likely to include distribution and/or intent to distribute (based on the number of pretty little vials retrieved from his pockets and car). I guess Officer Who-Nearly-Gave-Me-Heart-Failure decided on lots of charges because a big shiny black roll-back tow truck appeared about ten minutes after I got home and the red car was removed. Probably meant the guy wasn’t going to be able to be back to get it in a few days….

And so ended the excitement of life on our sleepy, quite little court back in the summer of 2008.